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Original post at http://dance-triangle.blogspot.com/2011/12/for-16days-campaign-what-do-you-think.html

The 16 days of activism campaign got me thinking and trying to define Gender Based Violence to myself. Violence based on, or because of your gender didn’t seem to quite cut it. Violence denotes aggression and aggressive behaviour, physical force, injuries, blood; but so often violence, and abuse, is not just about those things. What about the wife who has no access to the bank accounts, no money of her own, and is forced to ask and account for every penny? What about the son who is constantly told he is not good enough, not manly enough, doesn’t fit into the male stereotype society has deemed fit to construct for him? What about the young girl who is forced to give up her dreams and marry a man she neither knows nor loves because the time has come? What about the woman who walks to work everyday and not once does she look up, fearful as she is of the salacious looks and lewd comments coming her way? Is this not violence too?

We have compartmentalized and defined violence to such an extent, that unless there is blood and broken bones, we do not even consider it. We do not consider mental scars, sleepless nights, anxieties and fear unless they come bearing the visible marks to prove it. And if you can’t see it, it didn’t happen, did it?

We ignore the subtle putdowns that accumulate over time and tear one’s confidence to shreds. We turn a blind eye on infidelity and broken trust because sorry is such a strong word, isn’t it? We try to find salvation in religion, in food, in music, in rusty blades and dirty needles, because somewhere along the way, we forgot what it felt like to be happy.

Violence is not always aggressive. It is not always meted out with sticks and stones. Sometimes violence comes down to words and deeds, with ignorance and carelessness. But it should never come with excuses. Because there is no excuse to violating someone’s rights, for causing pain and sorrow.

Until we accept that gender based violence, in any form, is unacceptable, we are unacceptable.

I remember when I was about ten years old and living in Dhaka, a Sri Lankan family moved there. They had two daughters and we would often get together for play dates with children of other family friends. The family seemed normal, the wife was meek but we didn’t see anything wrong there. Never did we imagine that the husband would turn into a vicious beast when he was intoxicated. But we were never aware of what happened within the confines of their home. It all came out when all the children would get together for frequent play dates on weekend afternoons. The eldest daughter *Samanthi who was aged eight at the time would never play or interact with the other children. She’d sit by herself in a corner and watch the others including her little sister try their hand at dressing up Barbie or winning a game of cards. Often, she’d look scared. This fear in her eyes would be confusing and the rest of us never really understood why she behaved in that manner.

Time passed and she started complaining of blurry eyesight and feeling faintish. Since the family was relatively new to living in Dhaka, Mama took Samanthi and her mother to an eye surgeon. Upon checking her eyesight and discovering that it was absolutely fine, the eye surgeon referred Samanthi to a paediatrician. The paediatrician was confused, wondering why the child would complain when there wasn’t anything wrong. She began to question the mother . She asked if everything was alright at home and if she and her husband ever argue in front of their children. First, the mother got defensive and flatly denied that she and her husband argued or fought. Sensing something wrong, Mama told her it was normal for parents to argue and that it was important that she tell the truth to the paediatrician. With much hesitance, the mother admitted that they do indeed have arguments in the presence of their two daughters but that was all she said. Later on, Mama found out from other friends that those arguments weren’t just arguments but acts of violence. In his state of frequent intoxication, the husband would open the refrigerator and start yanking every bottle, jar and dish out. He would hurl a strawberry jam filled jar at his wife followed by a bottle containing tomato sauce. When she would duck and narrowly miss, the jars and bottles would crash into the kitchen wall thus the stains of jam and sauce. He would take dishes and use them too. Sometimes, he would just use his bare hand to beat his wife. And whenever these acts of violence broke out, their two daughters would bear witness to every single thing. When they would run and try to protect their mother, he would push them away fiercely and continue the violence.

And when things would get really bad, he locked the two girls in their room so they would not interfere in him beating his wife. And every time he locked them in their room, the elder daughter would hold her little sister tight, wipe away her tears and press her ear to the door trying to figure out what was happening outside just by paying close attention to the sounds. If this wasn’t appalling enough, her father would feel horribly guilty the next day. To make up for his behaviour, he would go out and purchase a gift for his wife, often an expensive handbag, pair of shoes or a piece of jewellery. For his daughters, he would take them to the expensive toy store at the Gulshan Market and buy two of the most expensive Barbie dolls there. Then he would take them out to dinner. To one of the finest restaurants in the city. And then magically, everything would be alright until he started it again. Again and again and again. I can’t count the number of times Mama approached the wife and tried to talk to her. To tell her that it wasn’t a joke to be trapped in an abusive marriage. That the abuse was terribly unhealthy for her daughters. But she never paid heed to what Mama had to say. Soon, she drifted apart from Mama and grew distant. In the December of 2002, we left Bangladesh and to date, we do not know of what happened to that family. Last we heard that the husband got a job transfer and the entire family moved to Ho Chi Minh City, Vietnam. But that’s all. We don’t know whether the daughters are fine or whether the wife is subject to his abuse. We are aware that she hasn’t left him yet. But would she ever have the courage to leave him. To defy his acts of violence.

But this is just one of so many stories. How many women unknown to us must silently suffer the wrath of her boyfriend or husband? How many of them stay in a marriage with the hope of their husbands turning over a new leaf? How many of them stay in a marriage for ‘the sake of their children’? How many women are in abusive relationships? How many of them eventually get married to these abusive men? How many of them share a bed at night, sleeping in fear of the monster next to them? How many women do we know who wake up everyday in the morning, cook, clean and make tea for their husbands irrespective of the violence they have to put up with? What about the verbal abuse which is just as horrific? Emotional and mental trauma galore. There are many. Several, hundreds and we need to take action against the violence. Because it isn’t funny and because violence is scary. Domestic violence is a large issue here in Sri Lanka and several cases of abuse are reported. Often, the details are horrifying and one can only imagine what kind of strength these women are equipped with.

Never ever stay in a relationship with an abusive man. You need to stop telling yourself that he’s going to change. You need to stop telling yourself that the abuse is going to stop. Unless you have the courage to leave him, it will never stop. You are worthy of yourself and no man should hurl derogatory terms at you or beat you senseless for something you weren’t aware was wrong. You don’t deserve the blue marks on your arms, hidden by clothes. You don’t deserve the mental anguish. Remember that.

*name changed to protect the privacy of the individual

I remember the Beatles song “She Loves You” so well.  It was the Carnival at Good Shepherd Convent (“GSC”) and I must have been twelve.  The “it” girls had a girl band in those mod mini skirts, huge wide belts and of course the obligatory rubber boots.  The Carnival was an annual event to celebrate the beginnings of the Convent which by now had grown into a famous Catholic girls’ school.  And 1969 was full of those amazing songs on the radio from England and America.

This carnival was special.  The convent was 100 years old.   This is not the Carnival of the Brazilian kind but more a bazaar with pop music straight out of Popular Favourites, fun and games, a carousel, a ferris wheel, a swan wheel and my fondest game where you catch a paper fish with a magnet.  That kind of Carnival.  I am getting old now and may have got my numbers wrong but this was a big moment for Kotahena girls who had gone to school there.  April 15, 1869 was when the convent first began according to their website.  So the 100 year celebration would have been in 1969 when I was twelve-ish.  That age when you really know some things just are not quite right.  But you are still a wisp of a child and your hands are tied by your powerlessness.

Amma taught art and was well known for her talent in Kotahena circles.  Everyone was asked to contribute something.  A few weeks before the Carnival she bought a large terra cotta vase that must have been about two and a half feet high.  There was always a collection of sea shells of varying sizes in our household given our fondness of the ocean and fishing.  We often ended up bringing pockets full of shells from the tiniest as tiny as a fingernail. to really large ones the size of a serving spoon.

Amma painted and decorated the vase to look like an ocean full of fish.  She used UHU glue to stick on some of the shells; I can still remember some of the ridged ones for texture; and they were used as the body and face for each fish and the brush and paint did the rest by way of the fishes’ beautiful tails.  Amma always looked utterly complete whenever she worked on these art projects.  At the time I did not realize how important this was because she was a GSC girl and it was her means of participating in the celebration.  The vase was beautiful yet restrained and not flashy.  Someone came round and took it away presumably to be auctioned off to raise funds for the convent.  I often think of this vase though it was in my life only for a few days; and then as a child.

The Carnival went on for several days as I recall and it was open in the evening and night all lit up with rows of light bulbs and full of happy young girls and boys and families.  I always felt an outsider at school.  Especially a Catholic school.  But my mother and father felt it was the best school they could send the girls to.

My Father who I called Thatha,  was a talented angler and very good with his hands.  He was pretty much addicted to fishing each and every day. Thatha had promised to take us to the Carnival after he got back from his evening fishing fix from the breakwater.  Fish was a huge part of our childhood.  He always caught amazing fish and thanks to Thatha we had a regular supply of fresh geela, salaya in season, paraw, parrot fish etc.   Sometimes he even caught pokirissas which are langoustines – the sweetest tasting crustaceans anyone ever came across.  I think I was his biggest fan; and I always felt I was his favourite.  But then may be all children feel that way about their fathers.  He too was a teacher and they met when they taught together in a Colombo government school.

Now you know how it is with the moon.  Some days its covered in clouds and there is no moonlight; on good days the sky is bare of clouds and the moon shines as a moon should.  That is how it was in our home growing up.  Some days it was dark and that was how it was on most days.  And on those few days when it was not dark it was full of light, brightness and sheer happiness and joy.  Singing and play.   But as a child I never knew which days would be dark, which ones would be bright.  Had I known then I would not have woken up on those dark days and stayed in bed – eyes and ears shut and oblivious to the dark day.

The day of the carnival outing came and we were all waiting for Thatha to return from his evening fishing outing.  Thatha came in through the backdoor with his fishing rods and gear and probably some fish.  We were all waiting for him to get ready to go to the Carnival.  About a minute or two into his arrival I knew it was a dark moonless evening in our house.  I could always tell and I am sure all my brothers and sisters were also expert at it.  Our invisible shields came up and we usually hovered around Amma and we all avoided Thatha on these days – which were not infrequent.

We were all in the kitchen and Amma was heating up oil to fry something.  Probably some fish Thatha had caught.  The kitchen was at the back of the house.  And a lot of what happened in the kitchen could be heard by those who lived around us.  Next door were my uncle and cousins.  Behind us were my Grandma, Aunt, Uncle and more cousins separated by a backyard that we all shared when we played.

Thatha looked sullen and Amma was walking on egg shells so as not to upset him; quietly and meekly getting the dinner ready.  And my head was full of the Carnival.  Amma was still making sure not to upset Thatha.   Us kids, we were waiting for the next bomb to go off though only metaphorically – usually by way of a violent lashing out at Amma often injuring her.  It was almost a relief when it happened usually because the happening of the violence  was less painful for a child than waiting for an unknown horror to happen; knowing full well that it will.  Like the lancing of a huge and painful boil.

That night Thatha read from a different play book.  The oil was hot.  The blue flame on the kerosene stove and the oil in the wok-like thaachi  bubbling hot with frying fish.  Thatha was angry at Amma again for no reason known to us except that he was just angry at her; just because he could.  Thatha kept demanding that Amma put her fingers in the boiling hot oil.  And I was watching this, at ten or twelve years old.  My stomach still sinks thinking of this although I am well over fifty now.  All I could think of was my mother’s fingers in that boiling hot oil.  All I could think of was that this was going to happen.  Even at that age I knew I could not bear Amma’s fingers in boiling hot oil. Though twelve I know it was a horrific thing to happen.  Unimaginable.  May be we all started crying like a chorus of kittens meowing for their mother’s milk.  Crying in terror.  My Thatha, my hero — the torturer.  My sweet mother, my flower, my care giver.  Fried fingers.  My mother’s.

Later that night Thatha took a shower.  Dressed up.  It was time to go to the Carnival at Good Shepherd Convent.  No one wanted to go.  I did not want to say no to Thatha.  I did not know how.  None of the other children wanted to go with us.  I put on a dress and walked up Kotahena Street to the Convent.  The “it“ girls were in there mod clothes and dark sunglasses because their band was going to play soon.  And the Beatles were on the loudspeaker singing   “She loves You! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah!“    I did not know if I was coming or going.  I felt a million miles away, as far away as the moon, from my Father.  Thatha bought the twenty five cents ticket so I could catch fish with a magnet — but I don`t think I caught any.

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Gender-based violence is a violation of human rights, and yet is a well known and frequently occurring problem in Sri Lanka. While GBV is considered almost synonymous with domestic violence, community, workplace, school, places of worship and public transport, among others, are all places in which violence and abuse befall women, and to a lesser extent, men. Under the larger umbrella of GBV, these acts of violence can be further categorized as domestic violence (DV), intimate partner violence (IPV), genital mutilation, rape, assault and sexual assault, among others. While the issue has been studied at length over the last three decades, there is a lack of representative data on the prevalence of GBV, as well as DV, IPV and other forms of violence, which may be affecting the design and implementation of effective policies to eliminate these practices.

Numerous studies have been conducted on the incidence of GBV and related phenomena by state, non-state and academic institutions, which has resulted in an array of findings. For example, the average prevalence of DV in Sri Lanka is estimated to range from 30-60% (WHO); IPV is estimated at 40% (Jayatilleke 2010). The majority of the studies on GBV are conducted using small, non-representative samples. As such, there are no national figures on the prevalence of these issues. Considering that GBV causes serious impacts on the health and wellbeing of individuals, there should be strong state and non state mechanisms in place for documenting incidents of GBV, tools for data collection, and avenues of rehabilitation and justice accessible to the victims. In order for these systems to be implemented, there needs to be valid and representative national data to support currently established national policies and laws, and for further support structures and resource allocation to be put in place. As long as the data remains ambiguous about the extent of the problem in Sri Lanka, it is difficult to establish the cause and implications of the phenomenon.

Perceptions of Sri Lankans are also important to understanding the causes of GBV. The Demographic and Health Survey 2006/2007 contains one question which probes the attitudes of women towards wife beating, which shows that women feel it is acceptable to beat a wife if she argues with her husband (41%), goes out without telling him (35%) and neglects the children (41.8%). Such attitudes are similar over age, location, and district, but differ according to the level of education received. On a larger scale, this survey could be used as a tool to measure perceptions of men and women on issues such as patriarchal attitudes, women’s role in society, stigma regarding abuse, appropriate sentences for abusers and other issues that could help us better understand the extent of the problem in Sri Lanka.

While it is established that more national level data on GBV is needed, we can speculate about the many reasons for why it is not collected. The numbers that are currently available come through various channels, including the Women in Need counseling center, the Women and Children’s Police desks, hospitals and other research and community organizations. The constraints for data collection on a larger scale could be due to the sensitivity of the subject matter and the need for specially trained enumerators. An example which illustrates this difficulty is the Oxford Poverty and Development Initiative (OPHI) study, which developed an international survey module on ‘missing ‘dimensions of poverty’ – that is, dimensions of poverty which are largely missing from nationally representative survey data. One such dimension is physical safety and the draft module contained a section on domestic abuse. However, it was considered too sensitive and difficult an area for country level enumerators to probe without extensive training and was dropped from the pilot surveys in Sri Lanka, Nigeria and the Congo. Another constraint to data collection is the respondent’s reluctance to discuss issues of GBV due to issues of confidentiality, social stigma and fear of repercussions.

In the face of these challenges, what suggestions can researchers make? One option is to include GBV related questions in household surveys such as the DHS, to be administered by staff specially trained for the task. However, it could be argued that this method wouldn’t provide comprehensive data due to prioritizing information and time constraints in administering the questionnaire. As such, if a household survey is seen as too big an instrument to tackle the issue, considering cost of designing the survey, staff training, sampling, administering the survey, data entry, cleaning and analysis, then special surveys could be constructed for this specific purpose.

In New Survey Methodologies in Researching Violence against Women, Walby and Myhill look at three possible survey options: generic national crime surveys, dedicated domestic violence surveys and violence against women surveys (2001). The two latter surveys appear more effective, drawing on a range of quantitative and qualitative methods to provide context to the issue. Many countries, including USA, UK, Canada and Germany have surveys dedicated to gathering information on domestic violence and violence against women. “These large-scale national surveys are very important in providing the robust evidential basis of the extent and nature of gendered violence” (Walby, 2004)

In conclusion, it is important for researchers and implementers to have access to national figures on the severity of GBV in the country, in order to study in-depth the causes and consequences of the issue, as well as for implementers, to put in place preventive and rehabilitation structures. It may also aid government policy and regulations in alleviating GBV as a phenomenon. However, how to obtain such data, while safeguarding the rights of the respondents, is a challenge that still needs to be resolved.

Sources:

Jayatilleke, A. C., Poudel, K., Yasuoka, J., Jayatilleke, A. U. and Jimba, M. (2010) Intimate partner violence in Sri Lanka. BioScience Trends 2010; 4(3):90-95.

Oxford Poverty and Human Development Initiative, The Missing Dimensions of Poverty Data Research Theme (http://www.ophi.org.uk/research/missing-dimensions/) and notes from training workshop and study visit attended by CEPA February/March 2009

Walby, S., and Myhill, A. (2001) Survey Methodologies in Researching Violence against Women British Journal of Criminology

Walby, S., (2004) Domestic Violence: Developments in survey methodology. Presented to European conference on ‘Everyday violence and human rights’.

Women’s Empowerment and Demographic and Health Outcomes. The Demographic and Health Survey 2006/2007, Chapter 14.

World Health Organization (WHO) gender-based violence (gbv) basic information sheet, Sri Lanka (http://www.whosrilanka.org/LinkFiles/WHO_Sri_Lanka_Home_Page_GBV_Country_Factsheet.pdf)

Original post at http://www.passionparade.blogspot.com/2011/12/from-peace-in-home-to-peace-in-world.html

“Men of Quality are NOT afraid of Equality” ~SANGAT, Indian Feminist Organisation (1998 ~ )

An international campaign of Activism Against Gender Violence is currently being carried out globally. In Sri Lanka too women’s rights activists are involved in many activities such as discussion about the Security Council Resoultion 1325, sticker campaign and website launch.

Respect Humanity ~ STOP sexual harassment ~ Let’s stand up against sexual Harassment

“Most of the people are not aware of the law. More awareness should be created among the people about the current law” says Najeem from Saainthamruthu, east cost of Sri Lanka.

Over the span of 65 countries, there are more than 250,000 rape cases that were recorded according to UN report.

Wearing a “White Ribbon” promotes awareness as to educate about what’s been happening and to give women that have endured such difficulties, a voice of hope. Show your support by wearing a White Ribbon from the 25th of November until the 10th of December to subdue this misconception.

“Women have suffered due to the war in Sri Lanka. Violence against Women still continues in the North in many forms” shares Kanthimathy Mahathevan from Mannar district, North West of Sri Lanka.

Sexual harassment leads to 5 years in jail in Sri Lanka

Men either have disappeared or died due to the war. Many women in the North are struggling for survival.

“There are 40,000 war widows in the North of Sri Lanka. Most of them are very young and have children. Since there is no man in the family, they are forced feed the families. Militarisation and sexual violence against women continue in war torn areas in the North” says Saroja Sivachandran, Director of Centre for Women and Development, a Jaffna based non~profit organistaion.

The Annual Theme

Every year, Centre for Women’s Global Leadership composes a Campaign theme in consultation with women’s human rights advocates worldwide and then circulates an announcement for the campaign as widely as possible. Over the years, Campaign themes have included:
•”Violence Against Women Violates Human Rights” (1991/1992)
•”Democracy without Women’s Human Rights . . . is not Democracy” (1993 • •”Awareness, Accountability, Action: Violence Against Women Violates Human Rights” (1994)
•”Vienna, Cairo, Copenhagen and Beijing: Bringing Women’s Human Rights Home” (1995)
•”Demand Women’s Human Rights in the Home and in the World” (1997)
•”Building a Culture of Respect for Human Rights” (1998)
•”Fulfilling the Promise of Freedom from Violence” (1999)
•”Celebrating the Tenth Anniversary of the Campaign” (2000)
•”Racism and Sexism: No More Violence” (2001)
•”Creating a Culture That Says ‘No’ to Violence Against Women” (2002)
•”Violence Against Women Violates Human Rights: Maintaining the Momentum Ten Years After Vienna (1993-2003)” (2003)
•”For the Health of Women, For the Health of the World: No More Violence,” (2004-2005)
•”Celebrate 16 Years of 16 Days: Advance Human Rights ‹—› End Violence Against Women” (2006)
•”Demanding Implementation, Challenging Obstacles: End Violence Against Women!” (2007)
•”Human Rights for Women ‹—› Human Rights for All: UDHR60″ (2008)
•”Commit ▪ Act ▪ Demand: We CAN End Violence Against Women” (2009)
•”Structures of Violence: Defining the Intersections of Militarism and Violence Against Women” (2010)
•”From Peace in the Home to Peace in the World: Let’s Challenge Militarism and End Violence Against Women! (2011)

To explore some of the deeper social structures that promote and perpetuate violence against women and girls, last year the Center for Women’s Global Leadership (CWGL) launched a multi-year campaign theme on the intersections of militarism and violence against women. While there are many different ways to define militarism, our working definition outlines militarism as an ideology that creates a culture of fear and supports the use of violence, aggression, or military interventions for settling disputes and enforcing economic and political interests. Militarism also privileges certain violent forms of masculinity, which often has grave consequences for the true safety and security of women, of men who do not conform to these roles, and of society as a whole. Current world events – including military interventions, femicides, attacks on civilians participating in political change, ongoing conflicts etc ~ exemplify the distinctive way in which militarism influences how we see our neighbors, our families, our public life, and other people in the world.

Gender Based Violence (GBV)

End Violence Against Women

Violence is an act to intimidate, humiliate, hurt or destroy by the use of force. It includes all action taken by one against another with the intention to dominate.
Rape is a form of sexual violence. Violence can also be verbal or emotional. Therefore calling someone derogatory names or telling them they are stupid is a violent act, which can hurt as much as a physical attack.

Gender based violence is a form of a discrimination that seriously inhibits women’s ability to enjoy rights and freedom on a basis of equality with men.
Gender –based violence, which impairs or nullifies the enjoyment by women of human rights and fundamental freedom under general international law or human rights conventions, is discrimination within the meaning of Article 1 of the Convention on the Elimination of all forms of Discrimination Against Women(CEDAW).

Traditional attitudes by which women are regarded as subordinates to men or as having stereotyped roles to perform, perpetuate widespread practices involving violence or coercion, such as family violence and abuse, forced marriage, dowry deaths, acid attacks and female circumcision. Such prejudices and practices may justify gender-based violence as a form of protection or control of women. The effect of such violence on the physical and mental integrity of women is to deprive them of the equal enjoyment, exercise and knowledge of human rights and fundamental freedom.

“Incidence of domestic violence is as high as 60% in some areas in Sri Lanka according to surveys. Violence against women is widespread in Sri Lanka. Incidences of rape, sexual harassment, domestic violence, incest, assault, obscenity against women, unwanted advances, perverted acts, forced pornography, forced prostitution and media violence all prevail in Sri Lankan society. These issues receive attention from diverse sectors, the State, non government sector and civil society, which address preventive measures and provide redress for victims. Despite this attention, violence against women continues to take place in the private and public sphere and the measures taken to prevent and redress, remain insufficient.

Violence Against Women in cartoons

In Sri Lanka, gender based violence ranges from sexual harassment in public spaces to acts of violence within the privacy of the home or at workplaces. It is acknowledged that the issue of who or which group in society has more power than others and who can exert acts of gender based violence is not restricted to economic power but is very much rooted in notions of social power and hierarchies in access to exercising such power. Thus the concept of gender based violence necessarily includes two aspects – violence which arises out of asymmetrical power relations resulting from socialisation processes, as well as gender based discrimination arising from structural violence against women, as can be seen, for example through the impact of violence against women as a result of armed conflict” according to Women in Need.

What is 16 Days Campaign?

16 Days Logo

The 16 Days of Activism Against Gender Violence is an international campaign originating from the first Women’s Global Leadership Institute sponsored by the Center for Women’s Global Leadership in 1991. Participants chose the dates November 25- International Day Against Violence Against Women- and December 10- International Human Rights Day- in order to symbolically link violence against women and human rights and to emphasize that such violence is a violation of human rights. This 16-day period also highlights other significant dates including November 29, International Women Human Rights Defenders Day, December 1, World AIDS Day, and December 6, which marks the Anniversary of the Montreal Massacre.

The 16 Days Campaign has been used as an organizing strategy by individuals and groups around the world to call for the elimination of all forms of violence against women by:~
•raising awareness about gender-based violence as a human rights issue at the local, national, regional and international levels
•strengthening local work around violence against women
•establishing a clear link between local and international work to end violence against women
•providing a forum in which organizers can develop and share new and effective strategies
•demonstrating the solidarity of women around the world organizing against violence against women
•creating tools to pressure governments to implement promises made to eliminate violence against women

]]> http://srilanka16days.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/guest-post-from-peace-in-the-home-to-peace-in-the-world-lets-challenge-militarism-and-end-violence-against-women/feed/ 0 srilanka16days DSCF6510 LegalAid DSCF6484 DSCF6503 16Days http://srilanka16days.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/guest-post-sacrificial-other/ http://srilanka16days.wordpress.com/2011/12/10/guest-post-sacrificial-other/#comments Sat, 10 Dec 2011 05:00:48 +0000 srilanka16days http://srilanka16days.wordpress.com/?p=143 Read more]]> By Thushara Dassanayake – Karunadhara

Father, have you ever felt mute?

Like the mute man whose dreams go unvoiced.

Like the daughter whose tears leave no trace on your ground.

Like the wife whose anguished pleas makes no sound.

Husband, have you ever felt afraid?

Of the one who holds your beating heart.

Because he has appointment to make it.

And yet he so casually breaks it.

Brother, have you ever felt betrayed?

Watching from the vacuous sidelines.

Heard child, Golden child, Boy child.  Solid and uncut.

He for whom doors are open, she for who doors stay shut.

Son have you ever been called to sacrifice?

A vision, a voice, a dream.

For the celebrated role of mother.

The place of Sacrificial other.

Here I am after years of feeling like nothing. Finally I feel like I’m free and the world is at my finger tips. It’s nice to feel like I’m something more than nothing, actually a lot more than nothing.  For years I thought everything he told me was true, that I really was stupid and not capable of much. I was blamed for having an opinion and wanting to be independent.

Was I being abused mentally? Physically? No way!  At least that was what I thought at that time. Now years later after my difficult decision to leave was made, I realize how much he damaged me, how much he clipped my wings.  Don’t get me wrong I was not in a relationship I didn’t want to be in, I genuinely loved him, I wanted to be with him and I really did think he loved me too. It was hard for me to imagine how a person I fell in love with could talk to me the way he did or even raise a hand at me without a second thought. And every time he did I would make excuses for him and believe him when he said it was my fault.  If ever I spoke of leaving he would say ‘it’ll only get worse than this, I’m the best you’re going to get’ and the sad part is I believed him and stayed on with him for many more years.

The word abuse never came into my head, I was never getting abused. Yes I was mentally down and my self confidence was on an all time low, yes I occasionally had blue marks on my body  but why didn’t I even for a minute think it was abuse? How did I not see it and recognize abuse when it was staring right at me. And that is what scares me the most now. I know there are people out there just like me who are getting abused everyday and yet they probably don’t think it qualifies as abuse. It is harder to accept when it’s your own husband or boyfriend; it’s harder to spot when it’s more psychological than physical.

So today I want to point out with my own experience, if ever you feel trapped and controlled in a relationship, if ever you are being told that you are not worth anything, if ever you are led to believe that you deserve to be hurt and mistreated, if ever  you are humiliated or your accomplishments are ridiculed, Leave!  No matter how you look at it or justify it, even if you think he will change and treat you better, even if you think you are over analyzing and over thinking and he deserves a second chance, please don’t allow it as you are better than that. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and supported fully. Your wings need to be unclipped and you need to fly away… far far away, just as I have.

Now I’m happy, and soaring high and even though the flight up was bumpy and I doubted myself and fell flat on my face many times I recovered, and I want you to know you will to. So ladies fly and fly high!