Here I am after years of feeling like nothing. Finally I feel like I’m free and the world is at my finger tips. It’s nice to feel like I’m something more than nothing, actually a lot more than nothing. For years I thought everything he told me was true, that I really was stupid and not capable of much. I was blamed for having an opinion and wanting to be independent.
Was I being abused mentally? Physically? No way! At least that was what I thought at that time. Now years later after my difficult decision to leave was made, I realize how much he damaged me, how much he clipped my wings. Don’t get me wrong I was not in a relationship I didn’t want to be in, I genuinely loved him, I wanted to be with him and I really did think he loved me too. It was hard for me to imagine how a person I fell in love with could talk to me the way he did or even raise a hand at me without a second thought. And every time he did I would make excuses for him and believe him when he said it was my fault. If ever I spoke of leaving he would say ‘it’ll only get worse than this, I’m the best you’re going to get’ and the sad part is I believed him and stayed on with him for many more years.
The word abuse never came into my head, I was never getting abused. Yes I was mentally down and my self confidence was on an all time low, yes I occasionally had blue marks on my body but why didn’t I even for a minute think it was abuse? How did I not see it and recognize abuse when it was staring right at me. And that is what scares me the most now. I know there are people out there just like me who are getting abused everyday and yet they probably don’t think it qualifies as abuse. It is harder to accept when it’s your own husband or boyfriend; it’s harder to spot when it’s more psychological than physical.
So today I want to point out with my own experience, if ever you feel trapped and controlled in a relationship, if ever you are being told that you are not worth anything, if ever you are led to believe that you deserve to be hurt and mistreated, if ever you are humiliated or your accomplishments are ridiculed, Leave! No matter how you look at it or justify it, even if you think he will change and treat you better, even if you think you are over analyzing and over thinking and he deserves a second chance, please don’t allow it as you are better than that. You deserve to be loved unconditionally and supported fully. Your wings need to be unclipped and you need to fly away… far far away, just as I have.
Now I’m happy, and soaring high and even though the flight up was bumpy and I doubted myself and fell flat on my face many times I recovered, and I want you to know you will to. So ladies fly and fly high!